Manipulation

Manipulation, at its simplest core, is a strategy we use to influence others to do what we want, often operating under the radar, without our true intention being obvious. This method of interaction is based on the ability to discreetly direct another person’s actions or thoughts, so that the outcome appears as a natural evolution of the situation rather than the result of direct external influence.

At the center of this dynamic is our ego, that part of us that feeds on recognition, success, and control. The ego wants to feel valid, appreciated, and, above all, dominant in social situations. When our sense of security or public image feels threatened, the ego may push us towards manipulation as a way to regain control and ensure that events bend to our desires.

Manipulation manifests itself in various forms and situations. It can appear harmless, like when we use a compliment to improve someone’s opinion of us, or it can take on more calculated forms, such as distorting the truth to avoid undesirable consequences. In the workplace, it might translate into trying to influence colleagues’ or superiors’ decisions in our favor, presenting our ideas in a way that makes them seem like the only viable or acceptable options.

Manipulation employs a range of psychological tools, from emotional appeals (such as pity or praise) to creating a sense of debt or obligation through unsolicited favors.

What these approaches have in common is the goal of bypassing open discussion and genuine consent, replacing them with induced compliance.

Although it may be effective in the short term for achieving specific goals, manipulation brings a series of problems. It can erode trust, which is an essential foundation of any strong and meaningful relationship. Once people realize they’ve been manipulated, they may feel betrayed, reducing their trust and willingness to engage openly in the future. This deterioration of trust can have long-term consequences, both personal and professional, as relationships built on manipulative foundations are rarely sustainable or satisfying in the long run.

Moreover, relying on manipulation to navigate social interactions hinders the development of authentic and mature communication skills. Instead of addressing conflicts or differing opinions directly and constructively, the manipulator relies on indirect tactics that do not resolve the underlying issues, often leading to repetitive cycles of misunderstandings and tensions.

What are the best manipulative strategies?

One of the most common strategies in manipulation is creating a sense of debt or obligation. This occurs when a person does an unsolicited favor or gives an unexpected gift, instilling in the recipient the feeling that they must reciprocate. The person who receives the favor, feeling indebted, is then more likely to comply with the manipulator’s requests in an attempt to balance the emotional scales.

Another technique involves using emotions to influence others, playing on fears, desires, or feelings of guilt to steer decisions and actions.

This can range from evoking pity through sad stories or difficult situations to stirring anxiety about the consequences of not following a certain course of action. Through this emotional manipulation, the manipulator manages to shift the other person’s behavior toward their desired outcome, using sensitive emotional triggers as leverage.

Additionally, the tactic of confusion is often employed to cloud judgment. By presenting ambiguous or contradictory information, or overwhelming the recipient with too many details, the manipulator creates a veil of uncertainty.

This lack of clarity can make the person more susceptible to suggestions, as they seek guidance in a sea of confusion, finding the manipulator to be an apparent beacon of certainty and clarity.

The art of manipulation also extends to shaping perceptions through flattery or ego-stroking. Compliments and adoration can make the recipient more open to reciprocating with favors or support, driven by the desire to maintain the admiration they’ve received.

This approach not only paves the way for further influence but also reinforces the relationship between the manipulator and the manipulated in terms that favor the former.

Examples?

• Imagine a broker trying to convince you to join a certain financial investment. They tell you about other people who have invested and achieved great returns, insinuating that if you don’t participate, you might miss out on a unique opportunity. This technique relies on the fear of missing out (FOMO), a form of manipulation that plays on your anxiety about being excluded from a beneficial opportunity. (Often used by scammers)

• Now imagine you're at the mall. You’re looking at an item you like but find it a bit pricey. The salesperson starts telling you that you deserve it after all the hard work you’ve been doing lately and that you shouldn’t worry about the price when it comes to rewarding yourself. This is an example of manipulation through self-indulgence, where you're made to feel justified in taking an action you might otherwise consider irrational, exploiting your desire for gratification.

• Imagine working in a company where one of your superiors asks you to stay late to complete a project. Instead of simply asking, your boss reminds you of how they “favored” you in the promotion a few months ago or how they “overlooked” a mistake that could have cost you dearly. They use phrases like: "If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be in this position" or "Remember when I saved you from that huge mistake? This is the right time to return the favor."

  Here, the manipulative tactic used is that of creating a sense of debt and fear of retaliation: you’re reminded of how much has been done or forgiven for you, creating implicit pressure to repay with loyalty and sacrifice, out of fear of losing support or facing negative consequences.

• Now, think about when you’re deciding which streaming subscription to get. The salesperson starts listing endless options, packages, add-ons, and prices, making you so confused that you can’t keep track of all the information. When they finally propose a “simple solution” (almost always the all-inclusive one), you feel relieved and ready to accept. This is the confusion tactic: creating a problem that only the manipulator can solve for you.

• Consider a situation where a friend wants you to accompany them to an event you're not interested in. They start complimenting you on how you’re always such great company and how your outings together are always the most fun. Feeling flattered, you find yourself considering going to the event despite not wanting to. Here, flattery is the manipulation tool: by boosting your self-esteem, the friend tries to make you more receptive to their request.

• Imagine a partner who wants the other to give up a hobby or stop seeing certain friends in order to spend more time together. Instead of discussing it openly, they might say something like: “It seems like you’d rather spend time with your friends than with me. Maybe I should find someone who appreciates being together more.” Here, emotional manipulation takes the form of a veiled threat of abandonment, aiming to stir fear and insecurity in the partner, pushing them to change their behavior to avoid losing the relationship.

• Consider a partner who wants to have the final say on where to go for vacation. They might use phrases like: “After all I’ve done for you, I thought the least you could do is make me happy about this.” In this scenario, the manipulator leverages a sense of gratitude and emotional debt, trying to make the other feel selfish or ungrateful if they don’t agree. This is a form of emotional blackmail that forces the partner to give in to avoid feeling guilty.

• Think of a partner who wants more attention and decides to make the other jealous by openly flirting in their presence. This tactic aims to trigger an emotional reaction, in this case, jealousy, to manipulate the partner into showing more interest or affection as a confirmation of their attachment. Jealousy is used here as a tool to manipulate the other into reaffirming their commitment to the relationship.

And let it be clear, everything written here is not meant to create new manipulators, but to destroy them.

Knowledge is the most effective preventive weapon that exists.